Here I am on a Tuesday afternoon, and everything is getting to me. I am the type of person that really needs things quiet in order to even hear myself think. I often find myself feeling extremely irritable when I am trying to focus on something and I can't because every little noise seems overwhelmingly loud.
I was sitting here trying to make a grocery list, all while trying to prepare myself something for lunch, and I had just set the girls down with their lunches. Of course they didn't want what I had put on their plates. And they wouldn't let me forget that they "needed" juice for the umpteenth time. And then the toddler decided that she didn't want to sit in her high chair, but that she wanted to sit at the little table so she was throwing a conniption fit. I had to move her to the little table and sit her down, and of course that wasn't good enough either because there was something else she wanted, but she didn't know what, so on went her fit. I decided that she needed a nap, so I put her in her crib. She cried like someone was torturing her, like she always does. Then I put the preschooler in my bed to lay down for a nap. She asked me what I was going to do, and I told her that I would be eating my lunch and then cleaning. Sadly all I wanted to say was that it was none of her business, or not to worry about what I was going to do...
I went to the kitchen and sat down here in front of my computer and just sighed. Oh, how I wish that I could just let things go and not become so terribly irritated by the sounds that my children make. The whining, the screaming, the fussing, the fighting... The sounds they make when they want something... These days I pray for silence. I pray for complete silence so that I can hear myself think again. But today, I wondered something... I wondered, in 14, 15, 16 years from now... Am I going to pray for silence then? Am I going to pray that my kids just be quiet and leave me alone for five minutes? The sad thing is, I probably wont have to pray for silence then. I will be BEGGING my children to talk to me. I will miss the days when they would talk to me every five minutes and I would probably be praying to have those days back.
How I wish that I could find the joys in motherhood again... Don't get me wrong, I do enjoy being a mother most days, but I feel like I am doing something wrong. How can I give my children the world and they are still so unhappy or unsatisfied? What wrong turn did I take? Why can I not find peace in my home? I would love to wake up one morning and have everything go smoothly. No fussing toddler wanting milk right.this.second, no panicking preschooler that can't figure out how to put on her shoes the right way... No frazzled mama wishing she knew how to get this motherhood thing down pat.
The truth is, I will never be a perfect mama. I repeat, I will never be a perfect mama... And as long as my children are young, I will probably never experience a peaceful morning. I will probably never get quiet time other than when my children are napping. All I can do is soak up the quiet that I do have, and embrace the loud now, because before I know it, these loud moments will be just a memory of the past.
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